Updated: Feb 11, 2021
Trust. The word has been coming up for me a lot lately both in work and in my personal life, a client telling me, “I don’t know why but I just don’t trust my ex.” I’ve become aware that one of the reasons, it’s been difficult for me to allow a new relationship to come into my life, is because a former partner who was a habitual liar, made me doubt the authenticity of what men tell me. In my daily tarot and oracle readings, trusting in intuition and knowing has been a common theme. I received an essential oil gift, called, you guessed it, trust. Now I’ve been exploring spirituality long enough to know that when something keeps popping up, it’s something I need to look at.
So I started where I frequently start, with the etymology of the word, sometimes the meanings of words change over time, so I like to have a clear understanding of what the root of the word is. In this case, “Trust,” noun, c. 1200, "reliance on the veracity, integrity, or other virtues of someone or something; and “Trust,” verb, c. 1200, from Old Norse treysta "to trust, rely on, make strong and safe." In this case, it’s fairly similar to the current use of the word. Trust is relying on someone or something to be strong and to have integrity.
When working with clients in healing, a place I like to start is to remind them that even when someone has broken integrity, it doesn’t mean that we can’t trust them. Indeed, I postulate that we can trust them, we can trust them to be exactly who they have shown themselves to be. We can choose to be grateful for the knowledge that we now have. We can trust that they will continue to behave in a certain pattern or way, now what we choose to do with that knowledge is up to us. Do we continue to allow a person who has shown us that they have poor integrity to have access to our intimate circles or do they get removed to a further out circle or voted off the island entirely?
The next step of awareness is to look at who we trust, who we allow to have access to our lives, and to what level. Take a piece of paper and draw a series of circles around each other. In the center circle is you, and your source of strength (Universe, Goddess, God). In the next circle is your deepest intimate relationship(s), perhaps a partner or a very close friend. It is likely that there only be one or perhaps two people at this level. In the next circle, you might choose to write the names of family members, children, counselors. In the outer circle are regular everyday people: acquaintances, co-workers. The outliers are strangers, waitstaff, people that aren’t in alignment with you at all, who haven’t earned the right to be in your life, etc.
Did you notice something in sketching that out? There is really only room for one or two names in that inner circle, that’s on purpose, these are the people who have earned the right to be there. These are the people who pick up in the middle of the night and who say yes to you, who listen and love you no matter what, these are the people who show up for you. And you show up for them. Don’t just automatically put someone in your inner circle without vetting them first, allow them to prove their worthiness of being in that place. Don’t fall into the trap of “well, I’ve known them the longest, so they belong here.” You are going to outgrow people and relationships, it’s part of personal development.
I was talking with one of my inner circle friends this week about my awareness that despite longing for a healthy relationship. Subconsciously, I haven’t been open to dating because I’ve been judging all men by that ex-boyfriend. And she gave me the best advice, to write down what my actual red flags are. This was such a freeing process, because, now I know for sure, that my red flags (in addition to my “oh hell no!” list) include behaviors such as: not showing up, words and actions not in alignment, blaming others for his problems, burns hot and cold, doesn’t pay his bills, or even those that actually speaks his truth and says “I’m damaged” or “I can’t be that man.” (side note: loves, when a prospective relationship says things to you like this, do yourself a favor and believe him/her and leave them in the 3rd or 4th circle where they belong.)
This process helps you decide who has earned the right to be in your inner circles. I also advise you to take it one step further and write down your green flags. What behaviors does someone have to exhibit to earn the right to come closer to you? Some green flags might be: wants the same things I want in life, is emotionally available, has a growth mindset, shows up (makes plans and follows through).
I ask that you actually write these down, there is something about seeing the ink flow onto the page and reading it with your eyes that makes this more real, keep your lists in your journal or someplace that you can review them when evaluating relationships.
In doing these processes and following through on them, you actually build trust with yourself and that my friends, is the innermost circle. When we trust ourselves, when we feel in our bodies that we have our own back, we know that we can trust our instincts and intuition and our lives will continue to become more on track and we’ll see more synergy and alignment, we’ll see the manifestation of our heart’s desires.
This mind-shift is a powerful one and gives me strength, it takes me out of the victim seat and into the seat of the decision-maker because now I am choosing how I want to feel and react to circumstances. And that my dear ones is how I want all of us to feel, that we have the choice to respond in the way that is most in alignment with our best selves, whatever that happens to be this day.
Until next time,
Be well and be good to yourselves